i'm falling faster than i ever could've fallen.

everything has happened.

except for one thing.

which is what i need.

i just need her to need me. that's all.

even after spending atleast half a day with her, even after telling her how i feel, i don't feel any better.

my friends are all pissed because i'm so called obsessed, but honestly, i really can't help it. in my world this isn't obsession, but i've been told obsession is a part of love. so maybe i should be proud of it.

we hardly know each other and she means everything and more to me.

i'd rather she be happy and leave me broken hearted.

to make my friends happy i've decided i'm going to create the illusion that i no longer care for her, even though i do. and i already have tried to give up on her.

it took me about 5 minutes to realize i couldn't.

i saw somewhere, that she wrote the other day, "I'm no one special, somebody that nobody could fall in love with" or something like that. i wish so much that i could just tell her how much i love her, and tell her it's okay. but i can't.

i'm not going to give up hope though.

and there she is.

I knew it would happen eventually. I've finally met her. It was just on friday. She was so amazing, my heart almost fell out of my chest when I saw her. I was just speechless. Literelly. I couldn't say anything.

she's so different. she doesn't act like anyone else (or so it seems) and she doesn't walk or talk like anyone else.

when i got home she asked me to hang out. we talked for hours afterwards. i knew it. like i said, we were meant to be together. it just takes time. i believe in magic, and i believe that love makes magic. i believe love has worked its magic on me.

i'm still tired of waiting though. she's on my mind 24/7. i need to tell her soon. i've set a deadline for myself, I believe it's July 15th 2009 at 5:09pm. If I don't by then, then I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

I know it'll be before then though. I would hate to jinx myself, I just want to believe that everything is going to turn out the way it's supposed to.

I can be myself around her. It's easy as pie. though pie isn't too easy. it just comes naturally i guess. i don't have to think hard of what to say, or be worrying about what to say and if i'll sound weird or cool or just stupid. i just act like.. steph.

i haven't talked to her in a few days.
i'm getting anxious.
we're going to watch scary movies
and stay up all night talking.
the days are going to go by slow until then though, because i'm impatient.
some would say i'm not.
i mean, i have been waiting for her since july.

Soul mates.

Do you believe in soulmates?
I sure do.

I think everyone has one person that they are meant to be with, and everyone meets that person, but not always do they realize that it's them who they were intended to love for the rest of their now sorrow lives.

I also think that sometimes one of us knows, but the other doesn't.


This exact thing is happening to me right now.
I know it. I know I'm supposed to be with this person. I haven't even met them in real life yet, but I know. It's unexplainable, the feeling. You can only understand if you are the one experiencing it. But I know that this person is who I am meant to be with. Many would say that, every time we are supposed to meet in person and end up not meeting is a sign that we aren't supposed to be together, but I just say it means she isn't ready.

I know for sure that I am though.

I have been waiting almost a year now and I can hardly take it any longer. I just want to say I love you all the time, I can hardly maintain a proper conversation for more than 3 minutes though. Her interest in me is limited, and in my eyes it is because I am not of her little group. "Scene" or whatever you may, I am far from it. She has colourful hair and cool clothes and shitloads of makeup, which I bet she would look just fine without. I have blond/brown hair, some pattern shirts and skinnies, and 2 pairs of shoes.

I wish that we coulde've started off non appearence based. I find that when I am online talking to people for quite awhile, then they turn out to me not very appealing to the eye, I still think they're absolutly irreplaceably fabulous.

I know we're meant to be together though.
No matter what I do I can't seem to make this feeling go away.
No matter how many flaws of hers someone points out to me I can always seem to look past them quite easily.
I guess when the time is right then she'll feel it too.
I'll just have to wait for now though.

february?! what?!

oh dear. february
i remember looking up at the list of months above the boards in the classroom in grade 2.
they all had designs, or little fancy things around the month name, that showed what the month was basically all about.
august would have sunshine , october would have little ghosts and pumpkins, december would have snow and christmas trees, and then February. Every single time i looked up there i would think "Why in the world is it spelt like that? Shouldn't it be febuary?"

But the February, it had little hearts around it and was mounted onto a pink and red backing. It would always remind me that Valentines day was in february. The only thing that ever ran through my head back then was that I couldn't wait until i was older, to have a valentine, and buy a heart shaped box with chocolates underneath the lid, or recieve one. But now that it's finally here, I have no idea what to do.

But it occured to me a couple of days ago, that it really isn't all about who gets the most roses, or who gets the most proposals to become a valentine of someone, it's more just about appreciating the people you care about. That day, valentines day became my day of appreciation. So this year for valentines day im just going to really show that I care about people, spend the day with my best friends,

And maybe even tell someone that I love them too.